AI is the FUTURE!!
AI is THEFT!!!
AI uses too much energy!!!!

I've said similar things too.

But get this: AI is here, and it's not going away.

I've already started calling AI “the Napster of my kids' generation.” It's challenging our understanding of Intellectual Property.1 It's causing a revolution in the way we interact with the world.

How we work.
How we consume.
How we research.

You can keep your head in the sand if you like, but I'm not going to be left behind because of my own stubbornness.

And if you don't like AI art? Cool, neither do I.

Now stop focusing on the shiny distraction and start learning what AI can do for you.

I knew I needed to learn AI before it was too late.

What I learned has changed the way I work.

Listen, I'm a smart guy. I grew up pulling old computers apart and listening to dial-up at a LUDICROUS SPEED of 14.4k. I made ugly websites in the 90s. I took a programming class in High School.

And none of that seemed to matter anymore.

My mother warned me this day would come.

She has said for years, "one day you'll wake up and realize technology has just outpaced your understanding of it, and you'll keep feeling further and further behind."

I didn't expect to face that feeling before the age of 40.

I'm definitely to blame.

I stopped keeping up to date on these skills.

Programming online has evolved so fast that I never knew what language or process to learn next.

It was the Paradox of Choice in action: faced with too many options, I chose none of them. I ignored all that, told myself it wasn't necessary for me to learn, or that it would take too much time, money, and effort.

You know what else takes too much time, money, and effort? Trying to find someone to make apps or websites do exactly what I want.

So I decided AI wasn't going to be one of those things I ignored until it felt too late.

I challenged myself to get comfortable with AI, and decide after 30 days if it was worth my effort or not.

*drumroll please*

I need AI. And that shouldn't surprise you.

First, I realized AI is so much more than ChatGPT fails and heinous AI generated images that look like a bad psychedelic trip.

I didn't know where to start, and being conscious of the innumerable choices out there, I just picked the one I had heard of the most: ChatGPT. I paid for a subscription immediately. I wanted to know what it was capable of, not what older models could do.

I was pretty sporadic for the first couple of weeks. Here's where it got real for me:

I asked ChatGPT for help to balance the chemicals in my hot tub and pool.

I had read the instructions, I was using the test strips, but for some reason I couldn't get the alkalinity and the pH to cooperate. I was also going through a lot of bromine to keep the sanitizer levels high enough, which I knew meant something was wrong.

So I explained all this in a long ramble in the app.

ChatGPT pointed out my mistake immediately.

I was prioritizing getting the alkalinity perfect before the pH, when the pH should have been the priority. The bromine was less stable at too high a pH.

I gave ChatGPT photos of the chemicals I had available — including their directions for use — and I told it the make and model of my hot tub. After a few seconds it told me the exact measurements to help get me back on track. With a few back and forths, I had a fantastic schedule/template for a maintenance log to fill out already formatted for my preferred notes app (Obsidian, btw).2

Realizing how well this AI had been able to handle so many different types of inputs, and create the exact outputs I would normally build for myself in a spreadsheet or doc was eye opening. It did so at least 10X faster than I would have by myself.

I was starting to understand.

I don't want generic writing in my social media feed.
I don't care for art that is a cross between Escher, Picasso, and a 'Spot the Difference' game.

I wanted AI to take over tasks to free up my time. Time is, after all, the only resource we have.

I wanted AI to do the things I needed done that take me longer to do than it should, and I wouldn't really benefit from doing by hand.

And it could. It could even transpose it all from one format to another if I changed my logging strategy mid thought.3

Now, this brings us to the (very valid) concern that outsourcing too much of our thinking to AI is going to be our downfall.

The fear is that people will never truly learn how to do things for themselves, that they will always be at the mercy of the software's programming — especially the ethics, or lack thereof, that it is made with — as it shapes people's perceptions slowly, over increasingly large populations, until you really can't tell who has their own opinion anymore or are we all just products of the algorithms we've let run loose in our lives, amirite?

Logically it makes a lot of sense. If you are only used to asking the right questions, and don't know how to do any of the work required to answer those questions, then how smart are you really?

Panic inducing, right?

It’s just plausible enough to make you pause and consider the possibility, the probability, that this will happen.

Because it will.

The question remains whether this is a bad thing or not, or whether this is just the next phase in the way we consume, create, and cooperate.

We won't know for some time. Perhaps decades.

I'm not losing sleep over it.

Mostly because there's nothing I can do to stop it. And partially because I recognize the grip of fear as an emotional response.

Enter those pesky Stoics, Stage Left.

When Marcus Aurelius, and before him Epictetus, said that we should hold back a response to a situation that causes an emotional reaction, this is what they were talking about.

I heard the fears. I share them. But instead of saying my immediate thoughts, I waited.

I haven't ignored the problem/question at hand. I've just paused long enough to take a breath and recognize that the way the information was presented brought on a fear response. It gave me room to consider any obvious reasons why that might be before trying to relax with the feeling, experiencing it without despair or fighting to get away from it.

I allowed it to exist.

And then I exhale and feel it dissipate, even just a little.

Technology always feels like this.

I was a Tactical Navigator on the CP-140 Aurora aircraft during my time in the RCAF. You don't hear the title 'Navigator' much anymore these days because, as the joke goes, GPS stole our job.

I was taught how to fly using older tech. We used radio navaids that I would have to identify by listening to their Morse Code identifiers being broadcast through the air.

The audible dots and dashes told me what signal I was receiving, and a simple Direction Finder would point a needle on the compass the direction the signal was coming from.

Some arts and crafts with a map, some stuff involving time, and a bit of trigonometry later — all of which had to be done very quickly in my head — and I had a 1 mile circle on a map as to where I was.

Or, where I was a minute or two ago when I took the numbers down on paper. The aircraft was moving 3 miles per minute this whole time, so the longer it took, the further from that point I was by the time I told the pilot if any corrections to speed and direction were needed.

And that is probably the most useless skill that the RCAF spent a lot of time and effort teaching me. All because we were worried for far longer than you might imagine that our equipment would break, or the GPS signal would be wrong and we'd have to rely on some old school methods.

The funny part is, they’re concerns were valid.

Shortly after I finished training at the Navigator School they stopped teaching Degraded GPS Navigation because it was no longer worth worrying about so much.

Two years later I sat in on a scenario discussion where GPS was deemed unreliable, and how we'd have to brush up on the old ways. Maybe teach some of the junior navigators what the Dark Ages looked like.

So yes, with such a rise in anti-intellectualism I do feel concern about outsourcing even more of our thought processes, but realistically that comes down to individual choice.

Smart people, innovative people, driven people will always find solutions. People lacking cognitive flexibility will not.

What have you done to not be left behind?
Have you hid behind your opinion of AI?
Is there ways for it to benefit you and improve your life?

I believe there is.

So I give you the same challenge: take 30 Days to go become familiar with AI, especially if you're opposed to it.

If it's really not for you, then you can carry on with your life in that firm and validated belief.

If it turns out you have some opinions to change, well, then I wish you good luck.

Changing our own mines can be the hardest one of all.

I write about the things I’ve found that make me feel like more of A Whole Man.

Relational Leadership is about challenging our own beliefs and knowing that change must start with ourselves. It is about walking the path we believe in, and inviting others to join us.

If you’re going through life and always feel like something is missing, then you’re probably in the right place.

Yes, you.

The men who shout the tired refrain 'Not All Men!' before even listening to the problem - like that somehow makes the problem go away.

Not all men? No shit.

Counterpoint: This isn't about you, so shut up and listen for a change.

I served as an Officer in the Royal Canadian Air Force for 12 years, during which time the Canadian Armed Forces were finally facing a reckoning for the culture of sexual harassment and abuse that it had fostered for far too long.

Toward the end of my career, there was a push from the top general, the Chief of Defence Staff, that this needed to change. That this culture was in direct opposition to our oath as service members.

It was called Op Honour.

It was immediately referred to by the old guard and their supporters as ‘Hop On Her.’

Obviously not a welcome order.

But here’s the thing about orders: service members don’t get to pick and choose which ones they follow.

And while this single act could not erase the culture that was rotting the military from the inside, it was at least a clear and direct order from the top: change.

I’ll spare you the details, but I want to share one of my last memories of my time in uniform.

I was working a nothing job, waiting out my last days before leaving. I worked in an office with two other officers, both of whom outranked me.

I had known them for a few months, and we got along well. They seemed like competent officers, and decent people. They probably had 15-20 years more time serving than me.

Somewhere in conversation, the one in charge makes a sexist joke, like he probably had for years.

The other one mocked offence and said, “careful, you can’t say that anymore!”

To which the response was also mocking, “why, because of Hop On Her? Give me a break.”

I sat there in silence. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even look up from my desk.

It was a scenario that had played out countless times before in my career. Just another Tuesday.

But this time, it left me feeling uncomfortable.

I tried to shake it off.

I tried to blame it on something else going on in my life.

Eventually I figured it out: it was my job to say something, and I didn't.

I didn’t say anything because it was just a conversation between two old men in an office. No one got hurt, no one else heard.

I didn’t say anything because I respected these men, and they both outranked. It would have been socially difficult for me to speak up.

Here’s the truth of it, and why I couldn’t shake my discomfort:

I didn’t say anything because in that moment I was a coward.

I let it be someone else’s problem to deal with.

I took the easy way out.

With that realization I knew, it was time to change.

See something, say something.

The only thing worse than the waste of oxygen used to say 'NOT ALL MEN!' is the effort too many of us take to join a conversation without actually having anything to add.

"Acktually, that's not true because you are ignoring Nuance A, or Singular Example B"

How enlightening.

Somehow these people, and yes it’s mostly men, conflate the idea that "there are no stupid questions" with their feelings of "I need to speak words in every conversation, even when I have nothing to say, because I'm important-ist."

And then they leave, because their interaction was really about their own entertainment, not about learning or making change.

This is the definition of 'Performative Allyship.'

We used to talk about it just in terms of saying things online to look good, to appear as if we support a cause, without actually lifting a finger from the screen to do anything.

It's worse than that now. It's become a source of entertainment.

A fast acting dopamine release at the click of a button. Repeat a few meaningless mantras, and you've got men feeling absolved of their sins.

It's just background noise. It's static in the signal of real people trying to learn, share, discuss, and make change.

As an RCAF Officer, I was taught that Integrity was "doing the right thing, even when no one is looking."

Simplistic? Sure.

So why is it we only do it when there's an obvious and immediate reward for us?

To help, when we're rewarded for helping?
To support, when we're rewarded for supporting?
To speak up, when we're rewarded for speaking up?

Why is it most of us can't manage it when it there is no obvious reward?
No one to impress.
No one to pat us on the head.

Harsh? Yeah.

True? Far too.

The list of things we'll ignore because it's inconvenient, and uncomfortable, is endless.

Misogyny. Bigotry. Racism. Homophobia. Transphobia. Xenophobia. Etc, etc.

Just pick one. Start there.

Listen.
…without formulating a response.

Reflect.
…on what is actually being said. How does it affect the person speaking, and those like them?

Think.
…and ask yourself 'how am I like those causing the problems? What can I do to change?'

Dig.
…to ask yourself 'why haven't I made even the smallest first step yet?'

Act.
…even if it is inside your own head at first. Start by changing your mind.

Then allow yourself a moment to feel good.
But just a moment.

Because this is just the beginning.

Now keep going.

I write about the problem with Men's behaviour using "us" instead of "them".

Because it is all of us.
If not actively, then passively.

And that's not acceptable.

We need to be having hard conversations.
We need to be challenging the outdated ideas we were raised on.
We need to change.

But we don't need to do it alone.

If you liked this post, here’s another one I think you’ll enjoy:

First horoscopes.

Then MBTI.

Now this.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Love Languages. It’s important to recognize in ourselves how we feel loved. It is helpful to communicate that to other people, like a romantic partner.

It just shouldn't be entirely 'me' focused.

If that's where it stops, it's just another label to excuse your behaviour.

Love (Languages) are everywhere.

By this point I'm to assume you've at least heard people throw around the idea of Love Languages. Whether you know where it comes from is a different question.

Here's a primer:

The Five Love Languages is a book published in 1992 by Gary Chapman. It proposes five archetypes of how romantic partners prefer to experience love.

Critiques include Chapman being a Baptist pastor, with his religious beliefs permeating his work and that the five types are too generic. I don't see why these critiques matter. He's a person. People write from their worldview. He's a pastor. His writing is tinted with his beliefs.

Also, of course five broad categories can't perfectly describe everyone. I thought that was obvious. It's just a construct, a way of organizing our thoughts to understand commonalities and patterns in people.

Wild stuff, I know.

The Five Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation - compliments, encouragement, using words to express appreciation.

• Quality Time - spending time together focused on the people involved. Avoids distractions, prefers deep discussions.

• Gifts - using gifts to show thoughtfulness and affection.

• Act of Service - making an effort to perform tasks to help someone, especially to ease their burdens.

• Physical Touch - using touch to feel connected. Skin contact, hugging, holding hands, etc.

Love Languages aren't a personality test.

I've seen pervasive use of these Love Languages as personal identifiers/descriptors on dating apps and Instagram memes.

If that's the extent of your interest that's fine, but you're missing the point.

First off, when you name your preferred Love Language, are you talking about how you like to receive affection, or how you like to give it?

If you've never considered it, you may be surprised to realize they aren't automatically the same.

I feel most cared for with Physical Touch from someone I trust.

I like to show my love through Words of Affirmation and thoughtful Gifts. Something that shows how much I pay attention to them.

What about the people around you? How do they feel most loved? Can you recognize when it’s different than your default? Can you change it? Can you provide what the other person needs most?

It extends so far beyond just romantic partners.

My youngest doesn’t like to be touched when he’s upset. I struggle with this because I see him scared and I just want to wrap my arms around him in a protective hug.

But that’s about me, what would make me feel better. It needs to be about him, and what will make him feel better.

If I do try and use physical touch to comfort him in these moments, before he is ready for it, I make things worse. Now he’s dealing with two things: whatever has upset him in the first place, and now me not respecting his boundaries. It’s just another negative input for his overwhelmed system to deal with.

He needs me to be there with him. He needs to know he’s not alone, and that I’m not going to be angry or leave because he’s dysregulated.

I never try to minimize what he’s experiencing, or try and convince him his reaction is ‘too much’. What may look like an overreaction to me, is justified and necessary in his. Otherwise it wouldn’t have happened.

Nor do I try and ‘cheer him up’ before he’s ready to be cheered up. No tickling, no distracting talk about something fun or exciting happening later. That teaches kids to suppress their emotions instead of feeling them.

I have spent so much of my adult life learning not to suppress my emotions, and learning how to sit with them like a friend in crisis. Even when I’m not sure if I agree with them. They need validation before they can dissipate.

Invalidation, in either form, tells him he is wrong for feeling the way he feels, that he is wrong for the way he reacts. As parents we like to think that it teaches our kids to change their perspective to ours so they can see things “aren’t that big of a deal.”

Again, however well meaning, what we’re really doing is telling them that their instincts are wrong and shouldn't be trusted.

Have you noticed that when you’re upset, being wrong feels like a personal failing? Because it does, especially in children.

As adults we know that a person in a negative state of mind treats every suggestion or criticism as a personal attack. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter how diplomatically it was shared. If the message isn’t making it past the gatekeepers, who are on heightened alert to defend the castle, the vulnerable self inside, then it cannot help.

He needs to hear my calm voice. It’s not about telling him what to do, it’s about being a calming presence.

It’s about leadership.

If he needs reassurance I can talk to him reassuringly. If he needs a distraction, I can do that too. I talk about things from my day to day, or tell him a story about someone he cares about.

No moral. No lesson to decipher. Just something of interest about something he cares about or may be curious about.

It gives his mind an alternative to think about from its current spiral. The train of thought can be diverted on a different track, one that I can use to guide him out of the dark.

Instead of telling him to take deep breaths (which can be a lot like telling an upset person to "calm down"), I take deep audible breaths of my own, giving him something to mimic. Consciously or not, it can help. It gives his mind a sense of rhythm to follow, a rhythm slower than his racing thoughts and racing heartbeat.

Take another look at your Love Languages.

How do you like to receive?

How do you like to offer?

Take a good look at the various relationships in your life, not just the romantic ones. You might just see why you’re at odds with someone you care about.

In case nobody else says it, thank you for doing the work. It makes a difference in your life, and in the lives of everyone around you.

Know someone who needs to read this too? Send them a link. It can be a Love Language all of its own.

I write about masculinity that isn't threatened by femininity or feminism. It’s time for us to change, and it won’t happen without your effort, and mine.

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Join a community of men who want to know better, do better.

If you enjoyed this post, here’s another I think you’ll like:

The Ink & Edge of a Modern Knight Errant

All The Help Offered To You Leaves You Feeling Miserable And Useless

How come you’re struggling so much when there’s so much help available…

Read more

10 months ago · Andrew Errant

You try something new. You fail. You give up.

You tell yourself some story about why you failed, why it's pointless.

Maybe it's because you don't have the time. Or you're not smart enough. Or good enough.

Or maybe you weren't taught the right way. The teacher didn't care. Or worse, they didn't actually know how to teach the topic.

There are plenty of self-deprecating and/or external things to blame. Some of them are probably true. But nothing worth having is easy, and nothing in life is because of just one thing.

Let's start here:

Your ego is getting in your way. And ego is the enemy.

This isn't just a cute phrase in Stoic circles. It's a reminder that we must take action, and that the first thing we must change is ourselves.

The first paradox of learning is that we want to learn, but refuse to accept that we're beginners.

We want to learn
We find someone to learn from
We start learning from them
We see growth
We see progress stall
We become frustrated
We try harder
We become disillusioned
We blame
We quit

This is true for your 'failed' attempts at:

- Dieting
- Exercise
- Languages
- Skill development
- Professional development
- Personal development

I know it's true because I have failed attempting each one of these more times than I like to admit.

Especially online in a world of 'curated perfection'.1

'Failed attempt' is a clue as to what's going on here. How can you fail at attempting something?

The whole purpose of an attempt isn't to succeed. It's to do, and then observe the results. You may not be strictly following the Scientific Method, but you are there to learn from your mistakes.

By definition, every 'attempt' is successful as long as it happens. The results don't define the success or failure of the attempt.

So if my attempts aren't failures in and of themselves, why didn't I reach my goal?

It wasn't my fault I would tell myself. I made excuses. I made excuses because they helped protect my ego.

This is a lack of accountability in action, and that makes me (and you) uncomfortable. We don't want to believe it's our fault. It challenges our worldview.

At least, it does until you stop believing success means you're a good person and failure means you're a bad person.

With that idea out of the way I was ready to learn.

There is a concept I kept hearing through different martial arts called 'Beginner Mind.'

It exists across cultures and time. It is a reminder, an admonition, to check your ego at the door.

Beginners know nothing. The best beginners accept this with humility (not self-deprecation). They are receptive to instruction and correction. They follow the Master's lead because they aren't telling themselves that they know a better way.

Ego is what leads us to believe that we know better than the Master. How could a beginner logically believe this? They are the Master because they have put in the work. That's why we have sought them out. To learn what we do not know.

I stopped second guessing what I was being taught and started actually learning.

I didn't tell the instructor how what he taught was like something I already knew. I focused on what he was teaching me. On how it differed from anything I already knew. On how different it felt, and how it could help me achieve the aims of the practice being taught.

I had to accept that the context was different from anything I had done before, and the it was the subtly in the application which made it better suited to this context.

Consider arm binds.

Arms are vulnerable in certain places, and that doesn't change between cultures. That's just anatomy.

But the way you exploit those vulnerabilities changes depending on context.

Medieval treatises like Il Fior di Battaglia are teaching how to damage an opponent who is wearing the armour of the day. Aikido on the other hand teaches how to exploit the same body mechanics but also focuses on not injuring the opponent.

The context, and the intention is different, so the application must also be different.

These differences can be subtle. This subtlety was lost on me when I trained with my ego. When I removed my ego, I understood the subtleties, and how I could apply the same principle to different situations.

I became a better student, and better martial artist, and a better instructor.

When we approach each lesson as a beginner would, with our 'Beginner Mind' in place, we are better able to learn.

Learning something new can be scary. We're scared of failure, so we focus on the wrong things. This fear comes from our ego.

The only failure is in failing to allow yourself to learn.

Acknowledge that you are learning, and learning requires you to make mistakes. Attempts are successful as soon as they are attempted, regardless of outcome.

Don't be afraid to remind yourself of this. Say it out loud if you need to. Choose to adopt your Beginner Mind, and enjoy the process of learning.

Achievement comes later. So worry about it later.

BUT

What if you're following the wrong process?

What if you're following the wrong person?

I'll discuss those questions later. For now, learning to confront ourselves, how we stand in our own way, is the first step.

I write about learning, leadership, and niche business through the lens of Historical Martial Arts.

Would you like to know more?

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You know how to do it.
You learned from experts online.
You read about it in books.

So why does it end in frustration and tears on both sides?

Exposure therapy: you’re doing it wrong.

Exposure Therapy is the idea that by slowly increasing contact with something that causes anxiety or fear, that familiarity will help. It works in animals as well as people.

It's how you introduce animals to new things, like cars on the street.

My dog Fergus was a high-energy border collie puppy. He wanted nothing more than to run all day and spend time with his people.

When I started walking him, we were fortunate to live in a rural area with very little traffic. This had it's drawbacks as well because he saw cars so infrequently he was afraid of the noise they made at faster speeds.

I could feel him tense up when he heard one approaching. I could feel his anxiety reflecting in the way he tugged at the leash, this way and that way. He didn't recognize what was happening, he didn't know what do to.

He needed calm leadership.

He didn't need me yelling at him to calm down, or for me to continue dragging him forward as if nothing was happening.

He needed a calm hand on his shoulder. He needed me to lead him.

I would have him make eye contact with me, as I had trained him to do when I needed him to focus on me to the exclusion of other things (definitely not an easy thing with any puppy!)

This was his safe space. My calm face. My calm voice. My calm eyes.

I would ask him to sit. At the beginning he wouldn't. His eyes would dart around nervously. He'd whine because he believed something was wrong that I wasn't paying attention to.

I'd tell him calmly I knew there was a car coming, that he was safe. And I would insist again that he sit.

If he felt safe enough he would. If not, he wouldn't. I wasn't more forceful than placing a hand over his back hips to remind him what action I wanted him to take when I said the words.

Regardless, I would then stand by him, his shoulder against my leg whether he sat or stood. He'd feel me hold his leash taut but not tight. He could move if he needed too, but he had the physical reassurance of my presence.

We'd stand still.

I'd keep petting his shoulders as we watched the vehicle drive by. He'd watch it pass beyond his area of concern. I'd feel him relax. Then I would remind praise him for how he did, how he was safe, and then we would continue on our walk.

It became easier every day, every exposure. My approach was consistent. Calm. Present. It was that sense of safety that allowed him to face his fears with increasing trust.

Soon he was comfortable sitting quietly, barely paying attention to the vehicle passing as we waited to cross the street.

Cool story. So why doesn't it work this easy with kids?

Exposure Therapy is usually taught to parents as a series of small steps to increase the child's familiarity with the thing in question. One step closer each time, showing them that nothing bad happens, that their fears are unwarranted.

Who gets to decide how small the steps are? You? A therapist?

Sure, if you want to fail, filled with frustration.

Consider this: you're not the person who is scared, so why are you the person deciding what is a 'small step?'

It's up to the person being exposed to decide what is a small step, and what is a step too far. When a child is feeling unsafe, just like a puppy, their 'small step' may feel minute to you.

You're not going to assuage their fears the first day. Probably not the second either.

How fast a child (or puppy) can move through increasing levels of exposure depends on two main factors:

1. How safe they feel with you

2. How safe they feel after each exposure

This first one is going to hurt some egos.

Fortunately, Dr Becky Kennedy's book *Good Inside* has helped me understand this so much better. She covers these ideas in so much depth, across so many examples. Highly recommend.

Your children trust you. They *want* to trust you.

It's up to you to prove to them that they can.

This isn't just about how brave you are in the face of the child's fears. Otherwise, telling the child that the situation is nothing to fear would have worked.

It's about whether the child feels heard. Acknowledged. Understood.

Telling them their fears are invalid doesn't help. It tells them that their feelings are wrong, that they are wrong for trusting their instincts. Invalidation leads to self-doubt, which leads to lowering self-confidence.

The exact opposite of what you're trying to achieve.

This is the foundation you are building with them everyday. This becomes their baseline of trust in you. This is their faith that you will protect them and lead them into no harm.

It's not intellectual. It's not logical.

It's primal. It's deep emotion. It cannot be reasoned with.

So do the work. Be the parent your child can talk to. Be the one who listens to what they have to say and doesn't discard their opinion just because they're young.

Let them set the pace.

This is challenging, believe me I know. You have places you need to be. You have schedules, and timelines to worry about.

None of that matters to a scared child.

Each exposure opportunity needs to become an open dialogue between you. This is where that baseline of trust you've been fostering comes into play. The higher the baseline, the greater the exposure they will be willing to risk with you.

The trickiest part is knowing when is enough, and when is too much exposure.

Think of it this way: if you have a bad experience with something, you're going to expect a bad experience next time. The flip side is, if you have a good experience with something, you're going to be less afraid next time. This is the goal.

In sports coaching we talk about the "Optimal Rate of Failure." It's based on the idea that too much failure becomes discouraging and too much success delays progress.

For most people, the optimal rate of success is 60%-80%. Nice easy numbers when I'm teaching a sword technique. For every five attempts, the student should 'win' three or four times.

With timid or demotivated students (especially after they've had a significant loss against a much better opponent), I aim for 80% success. They need to feel good again. They need to know that what they are learning actually works. Then they need to see that there is room for improvement, and that it is their continued effort that will take them to the next level.

Back to your anxious child. You want to watch and listen closely during every exposure opportunity to help them reach this threshold where they are not yet overwhelmed, but they have definitely stepped outside of their comfort zone.

It is essential that you end the exposure before they fall into overwhelm. Especially the first time, ending sooner and on a positive outcome will build their confidence to push themselves that much further.

Plus, you will have shown them that they can trust you not to push them too far. That you are there. That you are listening to them.

That's what it takes. That is what is missing far too often.

In the end, they're people too.

They're still whole people, lacking experience, figuring things out one day at a time. And so are we.

You're doing great. Now keep going.

This is the No-Fail mission of your life.

If you liked this post then I encourage you to check out another.

Have you tried:

• Breathing?

• Drinking water?

• Yoga?

What’s wrong with you, when it’s all laid out so simply?

What if the problem isn’t what we’ve been told it is?

What if we’re missing the critical component, the linchpin, that makes healing possible?

No One Cares How Smart You Are; It Won't Matter Anyway

This is my conclusion, after over a decade of overthinking and innumerable late nights and deep dives in every direction.

Overwhelm looks a lot like paralysis. Which looks a lot like doing nothing, from the outside.

Safety comes from acceptance, compassion, understanding.

Validation.

It doesn't come from shitty attitudes that belittle your struggles.

It doesn't come from well-meaning platitudes and regurgitated 'wellness' advice columns.

If this was about knowledge, I would have been 'cured' over a decade ago.

I'm smarter than you. I read wider than you.

I don't say that to brag, I say it to make two points:

• First, I bet you bristled at that line, didn't you? That's what it feels like to be told to just 'try harder,' or 'put in some more effort.' I have no idea who you are, your intelligence, your lifetime of experiences. I have no way to know if what I say is true or not. All I know is that intelligence is not what is stopping me.

• Second, I remember the strangest things and connect the dots between seemingly unrelated points of knowledge across space and time to create solutions or amplify understanding. It baffles some people. It seems like a super power to others. Most days it just feels like a curse.

What's the point of seeing these patterns, these similarities, these inner workings of systems if I can't do anything about them?

It's like a sci-fi horror where the protagonist predicts things that are about to happen and tries in vain to stop a catastrophe. It never really works, does it? At best, the protagonist makes no difference to the final outcome happening just as they predicted. At worst, the protagonist's actions make things worse for themselves and other people.

That's how it feels inside my head when things are bad.

My prescribed medications aren't helping enough. Life events feel so far beyond my control. I can't maintain healthy relationships. I'm breaking at the seams trying to hold it together.

The immobilization you see is the success of my efforts to not give in, to not to give up.

Don't worry, I'm already drowning in self-loathing at my seeming inability to function like a proper adult. Nothing needs to be said.

Don’t offer a drowning man a bottle of water.

Now here’s the catch: the wellness advice you see everywhere DOES WORK.

Well, maybe not absorbing sunshine through your asshole, but lets keep things mainstream and results-based, shall we?

Regulation of the Autonomic Nervous System is the current wellness industry darling.

It’s true: the activation of your Sympathetic Nervous System is responsible for much of the way you feel. The anxiety. The frustration. The need to escape. The urge to hide.

This is your body in survival mode. I could write volumes about our Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn response. It fascinates me.

And the wellness industry is right, by being aware of, and actively working with our Sympathetic Nervous System, we can learn to control it and calm ourselves. This is our conscious mind soothing our unconscious mind.

The very real, and frankly very obvious part that is missing from all of this well-meaning advice is that you can’t begin to heal while in the situation causing the harm.

To mix metaphors, if your mind is the Inner Citadel of your Castle then your Autonomic Nervous System is like surrounding town and the castle walls. They keep things running, and raise the alarm when raiders approach.

The tower bells ring and work stops as the people retreat inside the fortified walls. Soldiers line the parapets, prepared to defend against any threat. Officers shout orders and direct the efforts.

You can’t lower your defenses while still under attack.

Even when the threat has disappeared there is tension. Scouts cautiously report the all clear, that the enemy has retreated. The decision to reopen the gates will come, and still the people will need reassurance from the leadership that they are safe to return to their lives.

This return to normalcy is Self-Regulation. And just like in our castle analogy, it is impossible until the attack, and the perceived threat of attack, has faded.

Sure, learning Self-Regulation is an important skill.

I just hope you have the opportunity to use it properly. Because just like a castle that reopens the gates while the attack is ongoing, no amount of Self-Regulation will prevent you from being overrun and destroyed.

I already told you what is missing, but I’ll re-emphasis the point: you need to feel (and actually be) safe. Then you’ll be amazed at how effective the mainstream advice can be!

And if you’re looking to support someone struggling like this, providing that safety looks like acceptance and compassion, even if you don’t understand.

You don’t need to understand. What they need is someone to validate their experiences as real.

That’s what puts the ground back under their feet.

That’s what gives them the space to stand up again.

Thanks for reading From The Fringes. Here’s another post I think you’ll find interesting:

He could put anyone to death with a wave of his hand. No one would stop him. They might not even question him.

Instead he sat up at night and wrote about finding forgiveness for people who betrayed him. This is such an important lesson in Stoic philosophy.

But do we really believe Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome, was a passive ruler, and let people walk all over him?

Unlikely. Roman Emperors don’t stay Emperor for long by being passive.

I have spent so much effort learning to handle my own responses.

Pausing to question my own hurt feelings. Holding my rage gently by the hand to see if it will fade.

I’ve been caught in this classic blunder: The pendulum swing from one extreme to the other. And like most things, the correct answer is likely found in between the extremes.

Have I become too passive?
Yes, I believe I have.

I have excused the behaviour of others and let it go unchallenged because I’ve convinced myself that no harm had been done so there was no reason to discuss it. But there’s a difference between not responding in anger and not responding at all.

Responding with that initial flare of anger is the issue I was trying to solve. It’s irrational, it is only focused on the incident of perceived slight (real or imagined). It burns fast and hot, often surprising me with its speed, so that I act on it before I can consciously decide what to do.

Beyond that ‘Incipient Anger’ is the chance to reflect on what has happened. Was what happened really what I thought had happened? What was the intention? Could there be other plausible reasons and intentions behind it? Was it malicious? Was it done consciously?

I have forced myself to breathe and ‘be okay’ during this stage. I don’t regret learning what I’ve learned.

It has made me a better person. It has helped me listen more, and reflect more. I have avoided countless situations that would have been made so much worse by expressing my Incipient Anger.

It was like a game. I’m good at games.

What about the times when I was right to be angry? What about the situations where anger was my warning about a bad situation?

Suppressing the feelings after the Incipient Anger did me a disservice. It taught me not to trust my responses out of hand. That no negative feelings were valid.

I had “no bad vibes allowed” myself.

It took it’s toll.

Refusing to acknowledge negative feelings in response to someone else’s actions became avoidance. I took it too far. I thought doing so could only help me.

It was too much of a good thing.

I had little to no boundaries. I feared forming strong attachments because it was easier to move on that way. I wouldn’t argue with someone. I would just leave.

But that’s not really living. And that would never allow me to develop the depth of bonds with people that I so desperately crave.

To hold, and be held.
To know, and be known.
To forgive, and be forgiven.
To trust, and be trusted.
To love, and be loved.

It was also not a healthy example for me to set for my children. Yes, I want them to consider whether to blindly follow their Incipient Anger or not. I also don’t want them to silently endure unacceptable behaviour. I want them to communicate and maintain healthy boundaries.

I need to do it too. It’s the only way to teach them this.

Whenever I’m unsure if I can trust my own mind, this is the checksum I keep falling back on.

So, to the original question:

Do I believe Marcus Aurelius, philosopher, father, Emperor, ignored every act against him or his position?

Of course not. 

There is no chance he would have lived so long as such a weak-willed ruler. 

It’s good to remember that Meditations isn’t a ‘How-To’ guide of Stoicism.

It’s his personal reminders. As in, he wrote for himself, to himself, about the specific things he needed to focus on.

He didn’t write about the things he didn’t need to remind himself of. He was raised to be a strong leader. He already had all the tools of statecraft at his disposal.

Perhaps he wrote about forgiveness, and not being controlled by our Incipient Anger, because that was what he was working on at the time.

He wanted to make conscious choices because he believed it was his duty as a Human and as an Emperor.

I want that too.

What is it you want?

I have plenty of real and exaggerated reasons.

I have a habit of monetizing hobbies, turning them into jobs, and then losing my love for them.

I also have a fear of failure.

But I think it’s the belief that I’m not worthy that is holding me back.

“Nah Bestie, we love ourselves too much to do that here.”

My friend and I were hanging out on a tiresome weekday evening, having a laugh, talking through our problems, exploring the meaning of life.

This time we were joking about smoking cannabis, and how awful it tastes when a joint goes out while you try to save the burning ember but inhaling aggressively but it is already too late.

We both did it. We felt like it was our responsibility to keep it lit. That to let it go out was somehow a personal, perhaps moral, failing.

The worst part was we still had matches. Relighting it was simply a matter of opening the little glass bottle, pouring one out into your hand, and striking it off the sandpaper strip glued to the bottom.

We’d laugh about our attempts to keep the joint lit, and laugh when the other person failed and got a lungful of burnt flavour. Out of amusement, and empathy.

Not out of judgement. Never with negativity.

That’s when they said it. I was coughing out the flavour of a dead joint, and fumbling for a new match.

“Nah Bestie, we love ourselves too much to do that here. Next time just grab a match if you aren’t sure. There’s no need to suffer like that.”

We laughed like idiots and committed to each other that we would stop trying to save dead joints, and just start relighting them.

But I don’t think we were just talking about smoking cannabis.

I needed this reminder as I berated myself for my failings, deserved or not. Certainly not kindly. Certainly not in a constructive way.

We love ourselves to much to do that here.

I am a writer. I have been a writer my whole life.

Now I want to embrace it. Commit to it. Obsess over it.

And part of that is taking it seriously enough to face the beliefs that are holding me back.

I’m learning to love myself because I am being shown I’m not unlovable.

We tell people that they must learn to love themselves before we can expect anyone else to love them. But what if we have that backwards?

What if in order to overcome the belief that we are not worthy, through the acts of rejection we have experienced time and time again, we don’t need to harden our resolve and repeat mantras to ourselves?

What if what we need is the space, warmth, and safety of someone who loves us like a seed being moved from the shade to the sun where it is meant to be. Where it can flourish.

Wouldn’t that be something?

And maybe, as I have told so many friends and entrepreneurs I’ve shared ideas with, I can put myself out there with honesty and vulnerability.

That I can let other people decide for themselves whether or not they can and want to financially support my writing.

Instead of refusing to offer them the choice.

Instead of hiding myself away.

I’ve added paid subscriptions to From the Fringes. There’s no obligation, no inflated FOMO pressure from me. Just the option for those that want to read the things I don’t make as public.

Where are you holding yourself back through fear and negative beliefs? Which one can you take aim at and push past?

There’s no way out but through.

But apparently Haiku is a poetry form that is much more complex than I remember learning about in school.

In Japanese, Haiku are written linearly, top to bottom. The 5-7-5 syllable, three-line format that English speakers are familiar with is just a convention chosen over time.

The more important aspects are the things I never learned in school.

Haiku often focuses on nature. There is a Kigo, a word or phrase that symbolizes the season.

It also uses juxtaposition rather than metaphor, which Western students are more familiar with (Shakespeare, etc). There is a Kireji, a ‘cutting word’ that creates a pause or sense of closure.

There are other conventions used in English Haiku, such as the lack of capitalization and punctuation and not having a title.

Like any other artform, rules are meant to be understood and not always adhered to. I number mine just so that I know which is which.

Here are two poems I wrote last month.

1

2

Thank you.

Publishing my art online is something I never thought I would do. It’s something I thought I would never be comfortable doing.

I’m using this as an opportunity to explore whatever I want to explore, to do the things I’m not ‘good at’, and to face my fears of being perceived.

The void accepts everyone.

"It's so bad out there that even I'm suffering".

It feels like both a performative acknowledgement of my privileges, being born white, cis-male, into a family fighting its way into the middle class.

But it's also true. I, and many other men who have lived with these privileges all our lives, are finally experiencing first hand what it's like to be marginalized.

This isn't to compare levels of marginalization. This isn't 'woe is me, I have it so hard'. This is "I finally understand what you've been telling me all my life because I had tasted that experience first-hand. This is no longer just an intellectual understanding for me. This directly affects me more than ever before."

And I'm sorry it took these experiences for me to fully understand what women, people of colour, and those living in poverty have told me throughout my life.

I want to promise you that I won't let my shame get in the way of speaking up, and speaking out.

Because it has. For so long.

I started writing because I believe you.

I started writing because I want to be the champion my children deserve.1

Now I'm also writing for myself.

When I was ten years old I remember first reading the Pastor Martin Niemöller quote:

"First they came for the socialists, and I didn't speak out- because I wasn't a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak out- because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak out- because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me- and there was no one left to speak for me."

I didn't know what a socialist was. I didn't understand what being a trade unionist meant. But I did understand that by picking off marginalized groups one by one, Fascism rose to power by using fear and the promise "you're safe, we're only going after 'bad' people"

Until they decide you're one of the bad people too.

I grew up on stories of the war. Three of my grandparents served in the militaries that fought Fascism, and won. I am proud of the good they did, even as I learn to accept the wrongs that were committed along the way.2

As a teen I didn't understand how anyone could just let the Nazis rise to power like that. How did the German people (and so many others) not see what was happening around them?

It has become a lifelong obsession for me.

I studied history, and learned about the rise of Hitler in the aftermath of country further ruined by the Treaty of Versailles.

I studied sociology, and learned about the comfort people find in their sense of community, even when that community preaches hate towards ‘others’.

I studied psychology, and learned about cognitive biases, and how we can lie to ourselves until we're oblivious to the truth right in front of us.

And I studied philosophy, where I learned that when people value progress and advancement for some over the loss to others, real people suffer.

So now I write. And I read. And I talk to the people around me.

I listen to their stories. I believe in their experiences. I have the hard conversations we need to be having with one another.

I need my children to know.

I've always wondered if I would recognize it if was happening in my lifetime.

Turn out, I do.

Do you?

If so, what will you do about?

Relationships are about working together with someone, and agreeing to certain behaviours. Setting boundaries with a partner is about communicating these expectations, right?

'Boundaries' are just the next therapy concept being co-opted by controlling people, especially men.1

Boundaries are about limits you put on your own behaviour, not about asking someone else to limit theirs.

Remember Jonah Hill, circa Summer 2023?

Once Hollywood's favourite Fat Kid, he's grown up and entered the real world of adulthood. He was dating a woman living in Hawaii. This woman happened to be a surfer, and is very attractive.

He got upset at the attention she was getting from men. He decided to impose 'boundaries' around her hanging around other men and posting photos of herself in bathing suits to her Instagram. He expected her to comply.2

But that's not how boundaries work.

For starters, let's address the fact that he was upset that other men were attracted to her in the same way he was attracted to her.

Uh, what?

This wasn't new. This wasn't newfound attention she was receiving because he was famous. This 'behaviour' was her normal everyday life, before and after Jonah Hill.

Her name is Sarah Brady. She's a surfer living in Hawaii attending Law School. She's involved with the preservation of Hawaii's famous surf spots. None of this actually matters for the 'boundary' discussion, but I want you to understand the context. This is her life.

Other men would always find her attractive. He knew that going into the relationship.

He was uncomfortable. He felt threatened by other men potentially vying for her attention.

And none of that is her problem.

She chose to date him, not give up her life for him. Couldn't he just trust her to maintain the commitment to one another without imposing rules?

Calling his demands 'boundaries' is the weaponization of 'therapy speak'. It misses the whole point about boundaries.

When confronted with that truth, he could have taken some time to reconsider what he was asking. He could have taken the time to get to the real issue that was bothering him.

Unfortunately most of us, especially men, tend to double down on our opinions when confronted with conflicting views. That doesn’t make us more right, it just makes us inflexible.

And in Jonah Hill's case, it made him single.

It also told every other woman what kind of behaviour to expect from him once he was done trying to impress them.

What will you do?

If you're worried about something, I suggest you approach it from that direction.

"I'm worried that..." will be much more effective than "I don't want you to do..."

It can be uncomfortable because it means admitting vulnerability.

Good. Keep going.

Don't tell your partner this is their problem to fix. Tell them what you're afraid of, what is really behind this feeling of wanting to limit their actions.

Imposing boundaries makes people defensive. Expressing concerns doesn't. In fact it is more likely to get around their knee-jerk defensiveness because you're no longer attacking them.

When we're not being defensive we have a much easier time of being compassionate.

You chose this person for a reason. Trust in their goodness, and that they care about you and want to reassure you.

Just don't demand that they change for you.

I write about life, love, and sexuality on the fringes. Hot takes from a man redefining manhood. Masculinity that isn't threatened by femininity or feminism.

If you’re looking to change the way you approach relationships, follow for more.

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This was phrase my fellow Horse Archers repeated to themselves as we trained in those early years.

It was our mantra, our reminder.

It was meaningful. It spoke to us on many levels.

We’re also a bunch of nerds, so:

Years later, I was fascinated to read about the the same concept being taught by Kyudo Master Kenzo Awa.

I’ve been rereading Zen In The Art Of Archery by Eugen Herrigel. 1

Herrigel was a German Philosophy professor who studied Kyudo as a way to understand Zen Buddhism while he taught at the University of Tokyo for six years in the 1920s.

Master Kenzo, one of the greatest archers of the twentieth century, spoke often of this concept:

"Don't think of what you have to do, don't consider how to carry it out! The shot will only go smoothly when it takes the archer himself by surprise."

Master Kenzo Awa

As soon as an archer tried to concentrate on the process of loosing the arrow, his presence, his ego, interfered with his ability to do so.

This Arrow Only (TAO) was also our subtle nod to the philosophy of Tao. In Chinese, Tao is often translated as "the Way,” as in, the The Way of achieving something.

This Arrow Only was the only way we would achieve the results we sought. It reminded us that Ego Is The Enemy, which is a common refrain among modern Stoics.2

As my fellow Horse Archers and I trained, we would spend hours in front of a target shooting handfuls of arrows.

Any thoughts, any emotional reaction we had to our previous shot would negatively impact the current shot. It didn't matter if it was positive or negative. It was a distraction.

If I felt pride at a bullseye and hoped to repeat the success, I failed. If I felt discouraged or any sense of shame at a missed shot, I would fail again.

Any thought of future arrows would ruin the current shot as well. It didn’t matter what thought entered my mind. Thinking about how many points I needed, whether

• to reach a goal

• to compete with myself in order to reach a personal best

• to compete with the others, even in friendly ways.

It didn’t matter. Any of these would ruin the current shot.

My fellow Horse Archers and I spoke of this often, and we agreed.

It was our mindfulness, our absolute presence, which allowed each arrow hit home.

Even if the term 'Mindfulness' was becoming a fashionable cliché at the time (circa 2020), it didn't change the truth of the matter.

This Arrow was the Only one that could exist in our minds.

No wonder this concept of mindfulness, of presence, of removing all distraction and ego, is central to warrior philosophies across time and space.

“This Arrow Only” helped me, helped us all, find the true stillness in a Warrior’s heart. It bound us together, like the sinew holding feathers to the arrow.

In front of the target, bow in hand, we were all equal. And equally at the mercy of our distracted minds.

I’m still searching for my stillness as I train.

I write about life, leadership, and niche business through the lens of Historical Martial Arts.

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I heard you like hats, so I made you a little video.

Happy Valentine’s Day, and don’t forget chocolate is on sale tomorrow!

- shunahay

Never miss out.

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There’s a hidden epidemic on the rise: loneliness.

You don’t have to look far on the internet to see it. Men are lonely. Men are touch starved. Men are depressed.

It is driving too many of them to Right-Wing groups that offer them the compassion they believe they are being denied by Women and the Left.

It’s leading them to the dark side.

This touch hunger, or touch starvation, is a real issue impacting the mental wellness of people regardless of gender. It makes us question ourselves, our value, our worth. It leaves us weak and vulnerable, to the point where we will accept any attention as good attention, just like children who 'act out.'

It’s hurting us all.

Men are raised to seek intimacy through sex, even if that's not really what they need.

How many of us have spent time in a shitty relationship and gone back for more because they offered what we needed? They dangled the thing we desired most in front of us, and we kept showing up like addicts desperate for their next taste.

Men are stereotypically doing this to meet their sexual needs, though it has much more to do with meeting physical (non-sexual) and emotional needs. Most men are not consciously aware of it yet. They've been raised to only look to their sexual needs, which is why so many of us are left feeling empty after casual sex with strangers.

Women are stereotypically doing this to meet their emotional intimacy needs, but I suspect they are also trying to meet their physical needs as well. Goddess Amina reminded me that we’re all human, and that maybe women might be experiencing the same thing, just in their own context. Wild, right?1

Side Quest: I explain more about the difference between physical and sexual needs in this post:

We need to change the way we think about these things, and that includes paying for intimacy.

There is plenty of research showing the physiological need for physical intimacy. The science or lack of knowledge isn't the issue. It rarely is.

The issue is the deep-seated belief that paying for intimacy is wrong. That it makes us lesser.2

Where does this shame come from? Is it the same for men & women? What does that mean for nonbinary people? Do they get the worst of both??

There is no shame paying for food, medication, or consumer entertainment. All things that provide nourishment to our body and mind. Why is paying for intimacy any different? Especially if we're going to acknowledge the physiological importance and benefits of physical touch. You can't logically accept one without the other.3

What would it be like if you paid for the intimacy you crave? What if it gave you the opportunity to discover what it is you truly want? And what if you found it in a place where you didn't have to hide yourself to receive it?

Is paying for that wrong?

No.

But it is scary.

It should scare those that feed on our insecurities to hold power over us.

Why would you put up with shitty behaviour in a relationship anymore? When you can get what you actually need from someone who won't do that to you, bad partners will lose their power. The cost in dollars could be far less than the cost to your mental health.

What is that worth to you?

Because from here, the biggest cost to overcome is our shame. After that it's just another service being offered.

The follow on to this thought is if it's no longer shameful, how will Men keep Women from emancipating themselves? And if the Men aren’t being shamed for meeting their needs, how will the Right convince them that Women are the enemy?

That’s an issue we’ll deconstruct another day.

I write about life, love, and sexuality on the fringes. Hot takes from a man redefining manhood. Masculinity that isn't threatened by femininity or feminism.

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Be honest with yourself: you’re not a professional whose life and livelihood depends on one specific skill.

I can’t think of a single person in Historical Fencing that shouldn’t be training their off-hand. That includes the few professionals who actually make their living doing it.

In fact, they usually train their off-hand more than most because they need to as comfortable teaching left-handed fencers as they are right-handed fencers.

You need to balance your body. For health, for strength, for coordination, and to decrease the damage of aging.

I’m guilty of this too.

Even when I was training consistently I would focus too much on my dominant sword arm.

I found plenty of excuses. I’m tired. I don’t have enough time to train both arms equally. I’m already good enough with my off-hand to teach left handers the basics. I need to focus on building my skills for my next lesson with an instructor better than me.

Here’s the truth: It feels good to focus on my dominant sword arm because I see my skills return faster after time away, and I see faster ROI when learning new skills.

But that’s just me stroking my ego. And ego is the enemy.

Even when I was ‘focusing’ on my off-hand training, it would be less than 20% of my personal training time.

That’s not going to help much. Yeah, I could teach beginners left-handed as needed, but deep down I knew I wasn’t teaching them as well as I was teaching right-handed fencers.

I avoided thinking about this too closely. Most people probably wouldn’t care, but for me that was living against my values. I wanted to be the type of instructor who knew their craft so well, inside and out, forwards and back, that I could switch hands flawlessly.

I even encouraged new students to train with both arms! Especially in beginner classes with a one-handed weapon, new students’ arms get tired. It was the perfect opportunity to encourage fencing with both hands: just switch when your arm gets tired.

I knew the benefits. I told students about them. It’s good for muscle development, coordination, and for learning the material. Things that are often easier, more intuitive, with our dominant hands take more conscious thought to do with our non-dominant hand. You literally have to focus harder on the task. That’s mindfulness in action.

For those that were skeptical, here was the coup de grace: if you don’t train both arms, you’ll never be able to fight with two swords! ⚔️

Depending on the student, and what kind of motivation I thought would work best for them I’d phrase it like this:

“I will not let you fence your peers until I believe you have control of your weapon. So if you ever want to fight with a sword in each hand, you better start working on that off-hand coordination now.”

Fast-forward to today, February 2025, and I’ve been away from sword training for the better part of nine months. But I’m back.

Now is the time to start training both hands equally. It’s something I’ve wanted to do as a fencer and as an instructor. It’s time to put my money where my mouth is.

Plus, I’m not getting any younger.

Focusing on flexibility, mobility, and body movement has given me the greatest ROI of any training I’ve done in the past 5 years. I’ve spent a lot of the last decade learning how to rehab a body damaged by repetitive strain injuries during my military service. I’ve finally found things that are working for me. The kind of things I wish I had been taught twenty years ago.

It’s part of why I teach youth classes.

Restarting my training now and focusing on my off-hand as much as my dominant hand will also allow my left side to develop at a better pace to match my right.

This time I’ve got a plan.

I’m doing this by making minor adjustments to my solo training time at first.

1. Warmups focus on symmetry and balance in my movements to strengthen joints. Especially shoulders.

2. Drill both hands. I’ll start with my non-dominant hand first to not cut it short when I’m tired.

3. Review video of drills to self-critique. Do not shy away from the clumsiness of my left-handed fencing. That means I need to do more, not less.

4. Do daily tasks with my non-dominant hand. Drinking water, using a fork, brushing my teeth.

This focusing the brain on coordination, creating new neural pathways. This translates to my strength work, so I can focus on the strength part more.

Both my brain and body will age better. I turn thirty-nine this year. According to my kids that’s pretty old. And to be honest, I notice it too. Training takes more effort. Recovery takes more time. And parts of my body that I was able to ignore in my 20s are making their displeasure known when I get out of bed every morning.

I write about life, leadership, and niche business through the lens of Historical Martial Arts.

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I know because I'm one of them.

It's so bad, that even if you were fortunate enough to learn about testosterone production in school, and how your body responds throughout your life, you probably weren't paying attention to anything beyond the part where your raging teenage hormones level out to be the hypermasculine dream in your 20s.

I know because I didn't.

Yeah, I remember being told that testosterone production in men wanes as you get older. Bodies weaken as they age, blah blah blah. The focus in health class was on how it affects your ability to build and maintain muscle mass. There was even a mention of some poor unfortunate souls experiencing erectile dysfunction.

How horrifying. How unmanly. How painfully patriarchal.

I was twenty-eight years old when I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder.

There were other terms thrown around too: Operational Stress Injury. PTSD. Burnout.

Whatever you want to call it, the result was I couldn't do my job anymore. I had gone from being highly motivate, intelligent, and resourceful officer thriving in a high-pressure environment to being a mess of a man too afraid to leave his basement in the span of months.

Well, probably longer, but from the outside it looked pretty abrupt.

It destroyed my motivation. It took away my joy in life. And it emasculated me.

I now suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Talk about adding insult to injury. Not only did I feel like a failure as an officer, a failure as a husband and father, but I felt like a failure as man.

The thought that saved me, and allowed me to tell the doctor the truth when they asked, was a friend of mine who had experienced the same thing at age twenty-one.

We were at the Royal Military College, a posterchild of hypermasculinity. We were soldiers. We worked out together, we drank together, we endured hardship together.

His father received an unexpected terminal diagnosis. It changed him. Or maybe it just forced the things he was keeping suppressed to the surface.

You can't white-knuckle your way through everything.

He spoke openly to friends about his struggles. I didn't understand, but I believed him. And I watched as he was mistreated, pushed to the brink, and eventually found the courage to make the choice to leave the military.

He told me about how depression had ruined his sex drive. He told me that medication helped, and that he felt less ashamed about it when he could spend a weekend away with his girlfriend, ahem, 'rocking her world.'

So yeah, I told the doctor the truth. I was having trouble getting it up, and when I could I was unlikely to reach orgasm, which was the opposite problem I (and most men my age) usually faced.

Cialis for the erection, with the advice that it can't make magic happen out of nothing. If I'm not aroused then it wouldn't help. I assured the doctor that lack of interest and arousal was not the problem.

Wellbutrin to balance the anorgasmia amplified by the Citalopram. It also happened to help balance my mood. A nice two-for-one.

I was feeling well-versed in shameful issues of masculinity1 by my thirties. I had found the medical workaround, and kept moving forward.

It still came a shock when between the ages of thirty-five and thirty-six I noticed a significant decline in my, uh, physical prowess.

At thirty-four I was a better, more knowledgeable, more capable, more in-tune lover than I had ever been. Sex was better than at any other point in my life.

I laughed at my twenty year old self. All that raging testosterone and not enough wisdom to use it better.

Youth is wasted on the young, as they say.

The refractory period after orgasm was getting significantly longer. Even when I could get erect again, the chances of me orgasming a second time in a day were swiftly approaching zero.

Cialis helped, of course. Physiologically it could dilate blood vessels and harden me up. But even if I wanted sex intellectually, my body responded with do we have to?

That was new.

Of course we wanted sex. I was a man in a man's body. Why was this even a question?

I did what I always do. I started reading. I started asking questions. I started talking to people. Curiosity helped me overcome shame.

That, and years of therapy helping me accept what was, and work on what could be.

• Side Quest: Did you know that Stoic philosophy formed the foundation of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

I realized I was aging. And that was okay.

There were other signs. My vision changed for the first time in a decade, hangovers lasted more than just a day, and I had to work harder to get the same results when I exercised compared to even five years previous.

I could live in denial, blame sexual partner, blame the world, blame myself.

Or,

I could learn to move on. My approach and understanding of sex had already changed incredible amounts since coming out as polyamorous. This was just another shift.

Plus, most partners didn't seem to mind when I needed to focus on their pleasure for longer during the extended refractory period.

Wild, right?

My dudes, you're aging. And you can't stop it.

As a man passes his physical prime (mid to late 20s) hormone production changes. Testosterone production slows.

Sure, there's plenty of healthy and not-so-healthy ways to make you feel like a younger version of yourself. I experiment with how they affect me and how long the effects last.2

But time marches on, and if you keep believing this will never happen to you, you're in for a rude awakening.

When it happens, take a deep breath, and don't get angry at the world. The world doesn't care.

Those around you do though. If you become mean and bitter you'll push people away from you. Even the important people.

Good luck enjoying your sexual prowess as a loner.

Better yet, take a good long look at your idea of masculinity, of what makes you a man.

You just might find it's not about what's between your legs. It's not about testosterone production. It's not even about sex.

I could tell you the answer, but if you're not ready to hear it then it won't help you.

I hope you figure it out though. There's a world that needs men. Just not the way you were taught to be a man.

I write about life, love, and sexuality on the fringes. Hot takes from a man redefining manhood. Masculinity that isn't threatened by femininity or feminism.

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It’s how the brain works. It’s how the brain processes knowledge and experiences. It’s how the brain reinforces learning through intermittent recall.

It’s also about habit.

This is something I’ve struggled with most of my life: habit building, motivation, neurodivergence. It is something I have been fascinated with and researched far beyond the point of over-intellectualization.

It is something that is learned by doing, not by thinking.

Eugen Herrigel pointed out the same concept when explaining how he came to understand Zen Buddhism in his book *Zen in the Art of Archery.*

Zen, as a concept, cannot be understood solely through academic study and intellectualization. It can only be understood, *truly understood*, through practice.

It turns out that habit is a lot like physics.

Consider inertia:

An object at rest will remain at rest, unless acted on by a force.

An object in motion will remain in motion, unless acted on by a force.

An object in space will continue floating along forever. But we don’t live in space. We live here on the ground.

A ball rolling on the ground will come to a stop because friction is the force that slowly acts against its continued motion.

Friction is an interesting concept. It is strongest when an object is not moving. It takes more effort to get the ball moving than it does to keep the ball moving.

So, it is hard to start learning something; to start a habit. It is less hard to keep moving forward.

This is a key part of learning that I have overlooked for far too long.

I was looking at it from the wrong perspective.

Showing up everyday to train isn’t just about practicing a skill 10,000 times to attain mastery. It is as much about keeping that inertia going, that forward momentum.

This is the key to continued motivation, and accelerated learning. It also happens to fit nicely with what we know of brain capacity and intermittent repetition as necessary for skill development.

It’s almost like Masters of the Art (regardless of which art) knew something about mastery.

Imagine that.

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Assigning them a bunch homework (in an offer) isn’t effective because of the same reasons they struggle in the first place.

Convincing someone to commit time and effort with me is not easy with cold or lukewarm contacts.

I offer them one simple result. Something that stands in their way, whether they realize it or not. It can’t be too complex or wildly different from their current worldview until they are convinced I’m worth their time.

For a lot of people I’ve worked with (solo startups in unusual niches) they love what they do and want to share it, while being able to eat.

I start by focusing on those key requirements. What is it you love to do/share? How much money do you need to live?

I help them break down the money answer into three levels for goal tracking. Survive, alive, thrive.

All actions they take afterwards can be considered against this one question:

Are you moving closer or further from where you want to be?

My goal is to give them a clear win to walk away with, whether they want to continue working together or not.

I know pretty quickly if I can help them. But I’m not here to convince them they need me. I show them the first step, and then they know if they’re ready for my help or not.

…all that to say, I’ve identified some challenges but haven’t solved them all yet.

What is the smallest thing with the biggest impact you can help them with? The quicker you can get them there the better. Use a Call-to-action after their win to do more together.

What would that look like in your business?

Sexual orientation used to seem like a straightforward thing. Gay or straight, and sometimes a secret third thing.*

Who you wanted to date and have sex with and marry were all wrapped up into that one answer.

Turns out nothing is that simple, and if you thought attraction was bad enough as a spectrum, I have worse news. It’s multidimensional.

The Queer Spear stabs to the heart of the matter. Pun intended. Here’s a framework to better understand yourself.

*yes, that’s commentary on bi-erasure.

Attraction Is Multifaceted

Most people think of attraction or orientation in sexual terms: do I want to have sex with this person?

My early experiences in the Queer community broadened it to consider sexual and romantic attraction as different (and sometimes mutually exclusive) things.

It’s not just “am I attracted to this person.”

It was “do I want to have sex with this person? Do I want to have a romantic relationship with this person? Both?”

That made a lot of sense, until I dated an asexual person.

Ace/Aro people experience little to no sexual attraction, or romantic attraction, in the way we usually define it.

As one Ace woman told me, “the plumbing works, I just don’t need a plumber.”

Introducing: The Queer Spear

Consider that attraction and desire is not a one dimensional thing.

You aren’t just attracted to someone because of their looks. There’s more to it.

The Ace community helps explain it with a 5 dimensional model:

Sexual, Physical, Emotional, Aesthetic, Romantic.

Sexual

Do I find this person sexually attractive? Do I want to touch their genitals? Do I want them touching my genitals?

This is what most people consider to be their orientation.

Physical

Sometimes called Sensual, this is who you’d like to touch. Whether it’s massage, holding hands, hugging, kissing, basically everything not directly sexual.

This is something I had trouble differentiating from sexual attraction.

Emotional

Do I want to be emotionally vulnerable with this person?

This can be a lot scarier than being sexually vulnerable. It’s something I used to show only my partner and my best friend.

Aesthetic

Do I find them aesthetically pleasing? Do I think they’re pretty/hot/gorgeous/handsome/etc?

This one tripped me up.

Henry Cavill is incredibly aesthetically pleasing. He’s worked hard for that superhero body. But I don’t want to have sex with him. Or touch him.

Romantic

Do I want to have a romantic relationship? Do I want to have cute dates? Do I want the feelings to be involved?

We usually conflate this with sexual attraction, but that’s not required.

Hookup culture is a prime example of sex without romance.

So What?

Who cares? Why do we need labels?

If you don’t care or don’t need this info, cool. You do you.

For others, having this vocab can be empowering. If it has a name then other people experience it, and you’re not alone.

For those on the Ace/Aro spectrum, this could be an important thing for them to know.

To see that the attractions they do experience are no less valid than the sexual or romantic attraction they may or may not experience.

As for me, I had wrestled with things that I couldn’t explain until I learned this.

How do I find some men aesthetically attractive without having any sexual attraction? Was I so closeted that I couldn’t admit to myself I was gay?

No. They’re independent, and don’t need to agree.

At times when I’ve felt too straight for the queers, and too queer for the straights, I’ve added the Queer Spear to my online profiles.

This is what it looks like for me right now:

Sexual - Spec*

Physical - Spec

Emotional - Pan

Aesthetic - Pan

Romantic - Spec

* ‘Spec’, as in spectrasexual or spectraromantic, means attraction to more than one, but not all, genders.

‘Poly’ is used here by some, but it becomes confusing when polysexual could mean either ‘sexually attracted to multiple but not all genders’ or ‘engaging in more than one sexual relationship at a time.’

The latter meaning is commonly used in ENM communities.

Your Turn

What does your Spear look like? You don’t need to reply publicly with your answer. Just think about it and get to know yourself.

S - ?

P - ?

E - ?

A - ?

R - ?

Are you het, spec, pan, or homo for each dimension?

Send this to someone who might benefit from knowing about the Queer Spear.

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A ship crossing the ocean in a storm is not unusual.

But when a crew spotted a large wave coming at them from the horizon they raise the alarm.

Ideas are thrown around in a panic. The Captain arrives on the bridge and calmly orders the ship to turn into the oncoming wave.

Protests erupt around him from well-meaning officers.

The Captain, an old sailor with far more experience, addresses them.

The wave is faster than they are.

The wave is wider than they can sail before it hits.

Taking the wave side on will capsize the ship.

The wave is inevitable.

Turning into the wave is the only course that does not guarantee death.

The Captain orders the ship steer into the wave.

Unsure, the crew followed orders.

The bow swung around to face the wave as it approached at a relentless pace.

The crew was quiet and tense, unsure if they would survive.

The wave loomed over the ship, the bow rising with the water. The ship passed through the wave, dipped violently into the trough that followed, before a second large wave crashed down over it.

Windows were blown out by the sheer force of the water. People were thrown about. There was no recovery time between waves.

And then, the ship was through. The storm continued at a moderate intensity, but the crew paid it no mind.

They were alive.

True or not, this is how I remember the story.

The lesson at the time was about trusting your training, and using your experience to lead others.

Years later it continued to echo inside my head.

I was at a breaking point. My infant was in hospital. So much demanded my attention.

I thought about this story a lot.

When there is no way to avoid the storm all you can do is face it. And by facing it sooner, you’ll save yourself from suffering longer.

No way out but through.

Where is hesitation adding to your stress? How can you lean into it, and move through it sooner?

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