Are You Hurting Yourself With Too Much Of A Good Thing?
When healing becomes problematic, and the pendulum swings too far in either direction
The most powerful man in the world wrote to himself at night about his shortcomings.
He could put anyone to death with a wave of his hand. No one would stop him. They might not even question him.
Instead he sat up at night and wrote about finding forgiveness for people who betrayed him. This is such an important lesson in Stoic philosophy.
But do we really believe Marcus Aurelius, Emperor of Rome, was a passive ruler, and let people walk all over him?
Unlikely. Roman Emperors don’t stay Emperor for long by being passive.
I have spent so much effort learning to handle my own responses.
Pausing to question my own hurt feelings. Holding my rage gently by the hand to see if it will fade.
I’ve been caught in this classic blunder: The pendulum swing from one extreme to the other. And like most things, the correct answer is likely found in between the extremes.
Have I become too passive?
Yes, I believe I have.
I have excused the behaviour of others and let it go unchallenged because I’ve convinced myself that no harm had been done so there was no reason to discuss it. But there’s a difference between not responding in anger and not responding at all.
Responding with that initial flare of anger is the issue I was trying to solve. It’s irrational, it is only focused on the incident of perceived slight (real or imagined). It burns fast and hot, often surprising me with its speed, so that I act on it before I can consciously decide what to do.
Beyond that ‘Incipient Anger’ is the chance to reflect on what has happened. Was what happened really what I thought had happened? What was the intention? Could there be other plausible reasons and intentions behind it? Was it malicious? Was it done consciously?
I have forced myself to breathe and ‘be okay’ during this stage. I don’t regret learning what I’ve learned.
It has made me a better person. It has helped me listen more, and reflect more. I have avoided countless situations that would have been made so much worse by expressing my Incipient Anger.
It was like a game. I’m good at games.
What about the times when I was right to be angry? What about the situations where anger was my warning about a bad situation?
Suppressing the feelings after the Incipient Anger did me a disservice. It taught me not to trust my responses out of hand. That no negative feelings were valid.
I had “no bad vibes allowed” myself.
It took it’s toll.
Refusing to acknowledge negative feelings in response to someone else’s actions became avoidance. I took it too far. I thought doing so could only help me.
It was too much of a good thing.
Someone I admire said recently,
“We need to drink water to survive, but drinking too much water is called drowning.”
I had little to no boundaries. I feared forming strong attachments because it was easier to move on that way. I wouldn’t argue with someone. I would just leave.
But that’s not really living. And that would never allow me to develop the depth of bonds with people that I so desperately crave.
To hold, and be held.
To know, and be known.
To forgive, and be forgiven.
To trust, and be trusted.
To love, and be loved.
It was also not a healthy example for me to set for my children. Yes, I want them to consider whether to blindly follow their Incipient Anger or not. I also don’t want them to silently endure unacceptable behaviour. I want them to communicate and maintain healthy boundaries.
I need to do it too. It’s the only way to teach them this.
Whenever I’m unsure if I can trust my own mind, this is the checksum I keep falling back on.
So, to the original question:
Do I believe Marcus Aurelius, philosopher, father, Emperor, ignored every act against him or his position?
Of course not.
There is no chance he would have lived so long as such a weak-willed ruler.
It’s good to remember that Meditations isn’t a ‘How-To’ guide of Stoicism.
It’s his personal reminders. As in, he wrote for himself, to himself, about the specific things he needed to focus on.
He didn’t write about the things he didn’t need to remind himself of. He was raised to be a strong leader. He already had all the tools of statecraft at his disposal.
Perhaps he wrote about forgiveness, and not being controlled by our Incipient Anger, because that was what he was working on at the time.
He wanted to make conscious choices because he believed it was his duty as a Human and as an Emperor.
I want that too.
What is it you want?
