How the Queer Spear Will Broaden Your Understanding of Attraction

It's more complex than you think.

Confused about sexuality and attraction? You’re not alone.

Sexual orientation used to seem like a straightforward thing. Gay or straight, and sometimes a secret third thing.*

Who you wanted to date and have sex with and marry were all wrapped up into that one answer.

Turns out nothing is that simple, and if you thought attraction was bad enough as a spectrum, I have worse news. It’s multidimensional.

The Queer Spear stabs to the heart of the matter. Pun intended. Here’s a framework to better understand yourself.

*yes, that’s commentary on bi-erasure.

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Attraction Is Multifaceted

Most people think of attraction or orientation in sexual terms: do I want to have sex with this person?

My early experiences in the Queer community broadened it to consider sexual and romantic attraction as different (and sometimes mutually exclusive) things.

It’s not just “am I attracted to this person.”

It was “do I want to have sex with this person? Do I want to have a romantic relationship with this person? Both?”

That made a lot of sense, until I dated an asexual person.

Ace/Aro people experience little to no sexual attraction, or romantic attraction, in the way we usually define it.

As one Ace woman told me, “the plumbing works, I just don’t need a plumber.”

Introducing: The Queer Spear

Consider that attraction and desire is not a one dimensional thing.

You aren’t just attracted to someone because of their looks. There’s more to it.

The Ace community helps explain it with a 5 dimensional model:

Sexual, Physical, Emotional, Aesthetic, Romantic.

Sexual

Do I find this person sexually attractive? Do I want to touch their genitals? Do I want them touching my genitals?

This is what most people consider to be their orientation.

Physical

Sometimes called Sensual, this is who you’d like to touch. Whether it’s massage, holding hands, hugging, kissing, basically everything not directly sexual.

This is something I had trouble differentiating from sexual attraction.

Emotional

Do I want to be emotionally vulnerable with this person?

This can be a lot scarier than being sexually vulnerable. It’s something I used to show only my partner and my best friend.

Aesthetic

Do I find them aesthetically pleasing? Do I think they’re pretty/hot/gorgeous/handsome/etc?

This one tripped me up.

Henry Cavill is incredibly aesthetically pleasing. He’s worked hard for that superhero body. But I don’t want to have sex with him. Or touch him.

Romantic

Do I want to have a romantic relationship? Do I want to have cute dates? Do I want the feelings to be involved?

We usually conflate this with sexual attraction, but that’s not required.

Hookup culture is a prime example of sex without romance.

So What?

Who cares? Why do we need labels?

If you don’t care or don’t need this info, cool. You do you.

For others, having this vocab can be empowering. If it has a name then other people experience it, and you’re not alone.

For those on the Ace/Aro spectrum, this could be an important thing for them to know.

To see that the attractions they do experience are no less valid than the sexual or romantic attraction they may or may not experience.

As for me, I had wrestled with things that I couldn’t explain until I learned this.

How do I find some men aesthetically attractive without having any sexual attraction? Was I so closeted that I couldn’t admit to myself I was gay?

No. They’re independent, and don’t need to agree.

At times when I’ve felt too straight for the queers, and too queer for the straights, I’ve added the Queer Spear to my online profiles.

This is what it looks like for me right now:

Sexual - Spec*

Physical - Spec

Emotional - Pan

Aesthetic - Pan

Romantic - Spec

* ‘Spec’, as in spectrasexual or spectraromantic, means attraction to more than one, but not all, genders.

‘Poly’ is used here by some, but it becomes confusing when polysexual could mean either ‘sexually attracted to multiple but not all genders’ or ‘engaging in more than one sexual relationship at a time.’

The latter meaning is commonly used in ENM communities.

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Your Turn

What does your Spear look like? You don’t need to reply publicly with your answer. Just think about it and get to know yourself.

S - ?

P - ?

E - ?

A - ?

R - ?

Are you het, spec, pan, or homo for each dimension?

Send this to someone who might benefit from knowing about the Queer Spear.

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