If You Keep Saying This You're Definitely An Asshole

And don't try to deny it.

I can't read any woman writer's comment section without seeing you.

Yes, you.

The men who shout the tired refrain 'Not All Men!' before even listening to the problem - like that somehow makes the problem go away.

Not all men? No shit.

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Counterpoint: This isn't about you, so shut up and listen for a change.

I served as an Officer in the Royal Canadian Air Force for 12 years, during which time the Canadian Armed Forces were finally facing a reckoning for the culture of sexual harassment and abuse that it had fostered for far too long.

Toward the end of my career, there was a push from the top general, the Chief of Defence Staff, that this needed to change. That this culture was in direct opposition to our oath as service members.

It was called Op Honour.

It was immediately referred to by the old guard and their supporters as ‘Hop On Her.’

Obviously not a welcome order.

But here’s the thing about orders: service members don’t get to pick and choose which ones they follow.

And while this single act could not erase the culture that was rotting the military from the inside, it was at least a clear and direct order from the top: change.

I’ll spare you the details, but I want to share one of my last memories of my time in uniform.

I was working a nothing job, waiting out my last days before leaving. I worked in an office with two other officers, both of whom outranked me.

I had known them for a few months, and we got along well. They seemed like competent officers, and decent people. They probably had 15-20 years more time serving than me.

Somewhere in conversation, the one in charge makes a sexist joke, like he probably had for years.

The other one mocked offence and said, “careful, you can’t say that anymore!”

To which the response was also mocking, “why, because of Hop On Her? Give me a break.”

I sat there in silence. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even look up from my desk.

It was a scenario that had played out countless times before in my career. Just another Tuesday.

But this time, it left me feeling uncomfortable.

I tried to shake it off.

I tried to blame it on something else going on in my life.

Eventually I figured it out: it was my job to say something, and I didn't.

I didn’t say anything because it was just a conversation between two old men in an office. No one got hurt, no one else heard.

I didn’t say anything because I respected these men, and they both outranked. It would have been socially difficult for me to speak up.

Here’s the truth of it, and why I couldn’t shake my discomfort:

I didn’t say anything because in that moment I was a coward.

I let it be someone else’s problem to deal with.

I took the easy way out.

With that realization I knew, it was time to change.

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See something, say something.

The only thing worse than the waste of oxygen used to say 'NOT ALL MEN!' is the effort too many of us take to join a conversation without actually having anything to add.

"Acktually, that's not true because you are ignoring Nuance A, or Singular Example B"

How enlightening.

Somehow these people, and yes it’s mostly men, conflate the idea that "there are no stupid questions" with their feelings of "I need to speak words in every conversation, even when I have nothing to say, because I'm important-ist."

And then they leave, because their interaction was really about their own entertainment, not about learning or making change.

This is the definition of 'Performative Allyship.'

We used to talk about it just in terms of saying things online to look good, to appear as if we support a cause, without actually lifting a finger from the screen to do anything.

It's worse than that now. It's become a source of entertainment.

A fast acting dopamine release at the click of a button. Repeat a few meaningless mantras, and you've got men feeling absolved of their sins.

That's about as useless to these men AND whoever they're interrupting as a "Live, Laugh, Love" sign in an abusive household.

It's just background noise. It's static in the signal of real people trying to learn, share, discuss, and make change.

As an RCAF Officer, I was taught that Integrity was "doing the right thing, even when no one is looking."

Simplistic? Sure.

So why is it we only do it when there's an obvious and immediate reward for us?

To help, when we're rewarded for helping?
To support, when we're rewarded for supporting?
To speak up, when we're rewarded for speaking up?

Why is it most of us can't manage it when it there is no obvious reward?
No one to impress.
No one to pat us on the head.

You want to hear "thank you for your service," like you're some kind of White Knight?

You're just a coward looking to be told he's a "good boy."

Harsh? Yeah.

True? Far too.

The list of things we'll ignore because it's inconvenient, and uncomfortable, is endless.

Misogyny. Bigotry. Racism. Homophobia. Transphobia. Xenophobia. Etc, etc.

Just pick one. Start there.

Listen.
…without formulating a response.

Reflect.
…on what is actually being said. How does it affect the person speaking, and those like them?

Think.
…and ask yourself 'how am I like those causing the problems? What can I do to change?'

Dig.
…to ask yourself 'why haven't I made even the smallest first step yet?'

Act.
…even if it is inside your own head at first. Start by changing your mind.

Then allow yourself a moment to feel good.
But just a moment.

Because this is just the beginning.

Now keep going.

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I write about the problem with Men's behaviour using "us" instead of "them".

Because it is all of us.
If not actively, then passively.

And that's not acceptable.

We need to be having hard conversations.
We need to be challenging the outdated ideas we were raised on.
We need to change.

But we don't need to do it alone.

If you liked this post, here’s another one I think you’ll enjoy:

Don't Let Shame Stop You From Speaking Out