Is Exposure Therapy Just Another Casualty of 'TikTok' Psychology?

Probably, but it doesn't have to be.

Andrew Errant

Jun 07, 2025

Exposure therapy won't work for your kids.

You know how to do it.
You learned from experts online.
You read about it in books.

So why does it end in frustration and tears on both sides?

“Me watching TikTok therapists share Psychology 101 info with ground breaking guru energy”

Exposure therapy: you’re doing it wrong.

Exposure Therapy is the idea that by slowly increasing contact with something that causes anxiety or fear, that familiarity will help. It works in animals as well as people.

It's how you introduce animals to new things, like cars on the street.

My dog Fergus was a high-energy border collie puppy. He wanted nothing more than to run all day and spend time with his people.

When I started walking him, we were fortunate to live in a rural area with very little traffic. This had it's drawbacks as well because he saw cars so infrequently he was afraid of the noise they made at faster speeds.

I could feel him tense up when he heard one approaching. I could feel his anxiety reflecting in the way he tugged at the leash, this way and that way. He didn't recognize what was happening, he didn't know what do to.

He needed calm leadership.

He didn't need me yelling at him to calm down, or for me to continue dragging him forward as if nothing was happening.

He needed a calm hand on his shoulder. He needed me to lead him.

I would have him make eye contact with me, as I had trained him to do when I needed him to focus on me to the exclusion of other things (definitely not an easy thing with any puppy!)

This was his safe space. My calm face. My calm voice. My calm eyes.

I would ask him to sit. At the beginning he wouldn't. His eyes would dart around nervously. He'd whine because he believed something was wrong that I wasn't paying attention to.

I'd tell him calmly I knew there was a car coming, that he was safe. And I would insist again that he sit.

If he felt safe enough he would. If not, he wouldn't. I wasn't more forceful than placing a hand over his back hips to remind him what action I wanted him to take when I said the words.

Regardless, I would then stand by him, his shoulder against my leg whether he sat or stood. He'd feel me hold his leash taut but not tight. He could move if he needed too, but he had the physical reassurance of my presence.

We'd stand still.

I'd keep petting his shoulders as we watched the vehicle drive by. He'd watch it pass beyond his area of concern. I'd feel him relax. Then I would remind praise him for how he did, how he was safe, and then we would continue on our walk.

It became easier every day, every exposure. My approach was consistent. Calm. Present. It was that sense of safety that allowed him to face his fears with increasing trust.

Soon he was comfortable sitting quietly, barely paying attention to the vehicle passing as we waited to cross the street.

Cool story. So why doesn't it work this easy with kids?

Exposure Therapy is usually taught to parents as a series of small steps to increase the child's familiarity with the thing in question. One step closer each time, showing them that nothing bad happens, that their fears are unwarranted.

Who gets to decide how small the steps are? You? A therapist?

Sure, if you want to fail, filled with frustration.

Consider this: you're not the person who is scared, so why are you the person deciding what is a 'small step?'

It's up to the person being exposed to decide what is a small step, and what is a step too far. When a child is feeling unsafe, just like a puppy, their 'small step' may feel minute to you.

Too bad. This isn't about you. It's about them.

You're not going to assuage their fears the first day. Probably not the second either.

How fast a child (or puppy) can move through increasing levels of exposure depends on two main factors:

1. How safe they feel with you

2. How safe they feel after each exposure

This first one is going to hurt some egos.

Fortunately, Dr Becky Kennedy's book *Good Inside* has helped me understand this so much better. She covers these ideas in so much depth, across so many examples. Highly recommend.

Your children trust you. They *want* to trust you.

It's up to you to prove to them that they can.

This isn't just about how brave you are in the face of the child's fears. Otherwise, telling the child that the situation is nothing to fear would have worked.

It's about whether the child feels heard. Acknowledged. Understood.

Telling them their fears are invalid doesn't help. It tells them that their feelings are wrong, that they are wrong for trusting their instincts. Invalidation leads to self-doubt, which leads to lowering self-confidence.

The exact opposite of what you're trying to achieve.

This is the foundation you are building with them everyday. This becomes their baseline of trust in you. This is their faith that you will protect them and lead them into no harm.

It's not intellectual. It's not logical.

It's primal. It's deep emotion. It cannot be reasoned with.

So do the work. Be the parent your child can talk to. Be the one who listens to what they have to say and doesn't discard their opinion just because they're young.

Let them set the pace.

This is challenging, believe me I know. You have places you need to be. You have schedules, and timelines to worry about.

None of that matters to a scared child.

Each exposure opportunity needs to become an open dialogue between you. This is where that baseline of trust you've been fostering comes into play. The higher the baseline, the greater the exposure they will be willing to risk with you.

The trickiest part is knowing when is enough, and when is too much exposure.

Think of it this way: if you have a bad experience with something, you're going to expect a bad experience next time. The flip side is, if you have a good experience with something, you're going to be less afraid next time. This is the goal.

In sports coaching we talk about the "Optimal Rate of Failure." It's based on the idea that too much failure becomes discouraging and too much success delays progress.

For most people, the optimal rate of success is 60%-80%. Nice easy numbers when I'm teaching a sword technique. For every five attempts, the student should 'win' three or four times.

With timid or demotivated students (especially after they've had a significant loss against a much better opponent), I aim for 80% success. They need to feel good again. They need to know that what they are learning actually works. Then they need to see that there is room for improvement, and that it is their continued effort that will take them to the next level.

Back to your anxious child. You want to watch and listen closely during every exposure opportunity to help them reach this threshold where they are not yet overwhelmed, but they have definitely stepped outside of their comfort zone.

It is essential that you end the exposure before they fall into overwhelm. Especially the first time, ending sooner and on a positive outcome will build their confidence to push themselves that much further.

Plus, you will have shown them that they can trust you not to push them too far. That you are there. That you are listening to them.

That's what it takes. That is what is missing far too often.