Are You The Reason You Keep Failing At New Things?

A common refrain in action

I bet you’re guilty of this too.

You try something new. You fail. You give up.

You tell yourself some story about why you failed, why it's pointless.

Maybe it's because you don't have the time. Or you're not smart enough. Or good enough.

Or maybe you weren't taught the right way. The teacher didn't care. Or worse, they didn't actually know how to teach the topic.

There are plenty of self-deprecating and/or external things to blame. Some of them are probably true. But nothing worth having is easy, and nothing in life is because of just one thing.

Let's start here:

Your ego is getting in your way. And ego is the enemy.

This isn't just a cute phrase in Stoic circles. It's a reminder that we must take action, and that the first thing we must change is ourselves.

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The first paradox of learning is that we want to learn, but refuse to accept that we're beginners.

We want to learn
We find someone to learn from
We start learning from them
We see growth
We see progress stall
We become frustrated
We try harder
We become disillusioned
We blame
We quit

This is true for your 'failed' attempts at:

- Dieting
- Exercise
- Languages
- Skill development
- Professional development
- Personal development

I know it's true because I have failed attempting each one of these more times than I like to admit.

Especially online in a world of 'curated perfection'.¹

'Failed attempt' is a clue as to what's going on here. How can you fail at attempting something?

The whole purpose of an attempt isn't to succeed. It's to do, and then observe the results. You may not be strictly following the Scientific Method, but you are there to learn from your mistakes.

By definition, every 'attempt' is successful as long as it happens. The results don't define the success or failure of the attempt.

So if my attempts aren't failures in and of themselves, why didn't I reach my goal?

It wasn't my fault I would tell myself. I made excuses. I made excuses because they helped protect my ego.

This is a lack of accountability in action, and that makes me (and you) uncomfortable. We don't want to believe it's our fault. It challenges our worldview.

At least, it does until you stop believing success means you're a good person and failure means you're a bad person.

With that idea out of the way I was ready to learn.

There is a concept I kept hearing through different martial arts called 'Beginner Mind.'

It exists across cultures and time. It is a reminder, an admonition, to check your ego at the door.

Beginners know nothing. The best beginners accept this with humility (not self-deprecation). They are receptive to instruction and correction. They follow the Master's lead because they aren't telling themselves that they know a better way.

Ego is what leads us to believe that we know better than the Master. How could a beginner logically believe this? They are the Master because they have put in the work. That's why we have sought them out. To learn what we do not know.

I stopped second guessing what I was being taught and started actually learning.

I didn't tell the instructor how what he taught was like something I already knew. I focused on what he was teaching me. On how it differed from anything I already knew. On how different it felt, and how it could help me achieve the aims of the practice being taught.

I had to accept that the context was different from anything I had done before, and the it was the subtly in the application which made it better suited to this context.

Consider arm binds.

Arms are vulnerable in certain places, and that doesn't change between cultures. That's just anatomy.

But the way you exploit those vulnerabilities changes depending on context.

Medieval treatises like Il Fior di Battaglia are teaching how to damage an opponent who is wearing the armour of the day. Aikido on the other hand teaches how to exploit the same body mechanics but also focuses on not injuring the opponent.

The context, and the intention is different, so the application must also be different.

These differences can be subtle. This subtlety was lost on me when I trained with my ego. When I removed my ego, I understood the subtleties, and how I could apply the same principle to different situations.

I became a better student, and better martial artist, and a better instructor.

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When we approach each lesson as a beginner would, with our 'Beginner Mind' in place, we are better able to learn.

Learning something new can be scary. We're scared of failure, so we focus on the wrong things. This fear comes from our ego.

The only failure is in failing to allow yourself to learn.

Acknowledge that you are learning, and learning requires you to make mistakes. Attempts are successful as soon as they are attempted, regardless of outcome.

Don't be afraid to remind yourself of this. Say it out loud if you need to. Choose to adopt your Beginner Mind, and enjoy the process of learning.

Achievement comes later. So worry about it later.

BUT

What if you're following the wrong process?

What if you're following the wrong person?

I'll discuss those questions later. For now, learning to confront ourselves, how we stand in our own way, is the first step.

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I write about learning, leadership, and niche business through the lens of Historical Martial Arts.

Would you like to know more?

1. We're too afraid to try things anymore. Too worried about looking weak in front of everyone else, believing their curated perfection despite knowing it's not real. That's why I'm leaving mistakes in my writing, even when I've changed my opinions. I don't want to 'sanitize' my public persona anymore. I want to be real. To be a beginner. To Learn. To Fail. To Grow. To Show myself and the world that progress is more important than perfection. And that I'm not 'lesser' for it. I'm human.