Men Keep Getting This Part Wrong And It Is Ruining Their Relationships

Setting 'boundaries' will destroy your happiness

Boundaries can be a tricky thing.

Relationships are about working together with someone, and agreeing to certain behaviours. Setting boundaries with a partner is about communicating these expectations, right?

Yes, but actually no.

'Boundaries' are just the next therapy concept being co-opted by controlling people, especially men.¹

Boundaries are about limits you put on your own behaviour, not about asking someone else to limit theirs.

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Remember Jonah Hill, circa Summer 2023?

Once Hollywood's favourite Fat Kid, he's grown up and entered the real world of adulthood. He was dating a woman living in Hawaii. This woman happened to be a surfer, and is very attractive.

He got upset at the attention she was getting from men. He decided to impose 'boundaries' around her hanging around other men and posting photos of herself in bathing suits to her Instagram. He expected her to comply.²

But that's not how boundaries work.

For starters, let's address the fact that he was upset that other men were attracted to her in the same way he was attracted to her.

Uh, what?

This wasn't new. This wasn't newfound attention she was receiving because he was famous. This 'behaviour' was her normal everyday life, before and after Jonah Hill.

Her name is Sarah Brady. She's a surfer living in Hawaii attending Law School. She's involved with the preservation of Hawaii's famous surf spots. None of this actually matters for the 'boundary' discussion, but I want you to understand the context. This is her life.

Other men would always find her attractive. He knew that going into the relationship.

He was uncomfortable. He felt threatened by other men potentially vying for her attention.

And none of that is her problem.

She chose to date him, not give up her life for him. Couldn't he just trust her to maintain the commitment to one another without imposing rules?

Calling his demands 'boundaries' is the weaponization of 'therapy speak'. It misses the whole point about boundaries.

When confronted with that truth, he could have taken some time to reconsider what he was asking. He could have taken the time to get to the real issue that was bothering him.

Unfortunately most of us, especially men, tend to double down on our opinions when confronted with conflicting views. That doesn’t make us more right, it just makes us inflexible.

And in Jonah Hill's case, it made him single.

It also told every other woman what kind of behaviour to expect from him once he was done trying to impress them.

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What will you do?

If you're worried about something, I suggest you approach it from that direction.

"I'm worried that..." will be much more effective than "I don't want you to do..."

It can be uncomfortable because it means admitting vulnerability.

Good. Keep going.

Don't tell your partner this is their problem to fix. Tell them what you're afraid of, what is really behind this feeling of wanting to limit their actions.

Imposing boundaries makes people defensive. Expressing concerns doesn't. In fact it is more likely to get around their knee-jerk defensiveness because you're no longer attacking them.

When we're not being defensive we have a much easier time of being compassionate.

You chose this person for a reason. Trust in their goodness, and that they care about you and want to reassure you.

Just don't demand that they change for you.

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I write about life, love, and sexuality on the fringes. Hot takes from a man redefining manhood. Masculinity that isn't threatened by femininity or feminism.

If you’re looking to change the way you approach relationships, follow for more.

1. If that statement bothers you, I invite you to consider why. If you’re answer is ‘Not All Men!’ then we have much to discuss. First, no shit. Second, not all men but far too many men. Third, stop hiding behind that phrase.

2. I won't say 'allegedly' when making these statements because it distracts from the real issue. This is online article, not a court of law. And I didn’t make this up.