These Outdated Ideas of Intimacy Are Hurting Us

And not just the men.

We’re more ‘connected’ than ever, so why are we feeling so isolated?

There’s a hidden epidemic on the rise: loneliness.

You don’t have to look far on the internet to see it. Men are lonely. Men are touch starved. Men are depressed.

It is driving too many of them to Right-Wing groups that offer them the compassion they believe they are being denied by Women and the Left.

It’s leading them to the dark side.

This touch hunger, or touch starvation, is a real issue impacting the mental wellness of people regardless of gender. It makes us question ourselves, our value, our worth. It leaves us weak and vulnerable, to the point where we will accept any attention as good attention, just like children who 'act out.'

It’s hurting us all.

Not just the men, but the women and the children too.

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Men are raised to seek intimacy through sex, even if that's not really what they need.

How many of us have spent time in a shitty relationship and gone back for more because they offered what we needed? They dangled the thing we desired most in front of us, and we kept showing up like addicts desperate for their next taste.

Men are stereotypically doing this to meet their sexual needs, though it has much more to do with meeting physical (non-sexual) and emotional needs. Most men are not consciously aware of it yet. They've been raised to only look to their sexual needs, which is why so many of us are left feeling empty after casual sex with strangers.

Women are stereotypically doing this to meet their emotional intimacy needs, but I suspect they are also trying to meet their physical needs as well. Goddess Amina reminded me that we’re all human, and that maybe women might be experiencing the same thing, just in their own context. Wild, right?¹

Side Quest: I explain more about the difference between physical and sexual needs in this post:

We need to change the way we think about these things, and that includes paying for intimacy.

There is plenty of research showing the physiological need for physical intimacy. The science or lack of knowledge isn't the issue. It rarely is.

The issue is the deep-seated belief that paying for intimacy is wrong. That it makes us lesser.²

Where does this shame come from? Is it the same for men & women? What does that mean for nonbinary people? Do they get the worst of both??

There is no shame paying for food, medication, or consumer entertainment. All things that provide nourishment to our body and mind. Why is paying for intimacy any different? Especially if we're going to acknowledge the physiological importance and benefits of physical touch. You can't logically accept one without the other.³

What would it be like if you paid for the intimacy you crave? What if it gave you the opportunity to discover what it is you truly want? And what if you found it in a place where you didn't have to hide yourself to receive it?

Is paying for that wrong?

No.

But it is scary.

It should scare those that feed on our insecurities to hold power over us.

Why would you put up with shitty behaviour in a relationship anymore? When you can get what you actually need from someone who won't do that to you, bad partners will lose their power. The cost in dollars could be far less than the cost to your mental health.

What is that worth to you?

Because from here, the biggest cost to overcome is our shame. After that it's just another service being offered.

The follow on to this thought is if it's no longer shameful, how will Men keep Women from emancipating themselves? And if the Men aren’t being shamed for meeting their needs, how will the Right convince them that Women are the enemy?

That’s an issue we’ll deconstruct another day.

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I write about life, love, and sexuality on the fringes. Hot takes from a man redefining manhood. Masculinity that isn't threatened by femininity or feminism.

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1. She goes on to hint that for women the root may lie in a lack of intersectionality in third wave feminism; in its claims that professional intimacy providers can only exist in exploitative conditions. There is certainly no doubt that they have been exploited by men for far too long, but hasn't the rise of services like OnlyFans shown us that exploitation isn't the only way? A fascinating idea that I'll need to read much deeper on to form an opinion.

2. I've thought about this for some time in regards to men, and also couples looking to "add a third" to "spice up the relationship.” I’ll write about this sooner or later.

3. Of course, these things are rarely about logic. That's a different issue. I suspect, like many of the issues we are grappling with when it comes to sex and relationships, it has it's roots in authoritarian religion, Victorian notions of propriety, and the sanitization of our cultures.